I have a cold and it’s a real bitch. Congested nose, headache.. etc etc, the whole shebang.

I hate this. I feel like shit.

So I made it to week 20, halfway point in my pregnancy. I’m about to give you the lowdown on what has changed so far, which is A LOT, and mostly gross, so embrace thyself.
No, seriously, read no further if you are squeamish, or have issues with discussing bodily fluids.

Starting with the physical changes:

1. My center of gravity is fucked. Legit balance issues and wooziness.

2. Phlegm. Lots and lots of phlegm. (Thanks to my bestfriend Google, I found out that warm tea or water with lemon does wonnnnders)

3. Fabulous hair. It’s shiny and rarely falls out and almost zero split ends. Estrogen is magic, you guys.

4. Caveman appetite. I have days where I eat like there’s no tomorrow. The entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more food. And to anyone judging this point, I give you my ketchup-smeared middle finger.

5. Bigger lady lumps, obvs.

6. Digestion problems. This includes heartburn, gas, bloating and constipation. No bueno.

7. THIS THING THAT I WOULD NEVER WISH UPON YOU EVER, EVEN IF I HATED YOU: round ligament pain.

8. Inordinate number of trips to the bathroom. I won’t disclose any info on what goes on during those trips cause it’s suggestively overwhelming and a lot to take in.

9. Sore thighs. Spears and daggers all up my ass and thighs and it’s the most uncomfortable and annoying pain, to say the least.

Moving on to the emotional changes:

1. Apathy. Nonchalance and losing the ability to give an ounce of fuck. This may cause bouts of unfriendliness, as well as a serious case of “I won’t wear anything other than nightshirts and free size muumuu dresses til September”. Dressing up becomes frowned-upon and an unnecessary hype. Social functions are even a bigger pain in the ass than they ever were.

2. Hulk temper. All shit is lost and hell breaks loose on the sight or sound of anything slightly or remotely annoying.

3. Feels galore, Aka drama. Having an abundance of emotions and thoughts, as well as the dramatization of anything and everything whether or not it’s worth it.

4. A natural subsequent to the aforementioned point: Tear fests. Breaking down and bawling my eyes out for absolutely no good reason. (I may or may not have cried over spilled water.)

5. A newfound love for miniature humans and their accouterments. I was never, EVER, the type of person who’d go ga ga goo goo over babies. I hardly, if ever, found babies cute. But then estrogen happened…

That’s all I can muster up right now with what little brain activity I have.

For 20 more weeks to come!